Choosing a guy in an arranged marriage

The other day when i went for a family function, i met a 24 year old girl. Her parents had started looking out for grooms for her . Though she was ready to get married she had her own apprehensions and questions in her mind.
" How do i select my life partner in one meet or how will i know if he is the one for me even after few conversations? " 

She was very worried about selecting a life partner through arranged marriage where many of her friends found their life partners themselves , thereby without any worries as she assumed.

Now since i was the big sister there and i could see the concern , i felt i should clear it or help her understand the process better ( now that i have  nearly 7 years of exp.. haha unmarried and in the groom hunting arranged marriage process) .

The experience and learning is completely influenced by people's life around me. That gave me the maturity ( i assume) to look at arranged marriage process in a practical way. 

Now here is what i told her.

Welcome to the marriage market! There is nothing to fear or worry about.

Understand this line, whether you are 24 or 34, you can find a convincing guy only if your priorities are at its place.

Nobody can decide what is important for another person.

I cannot advise you to compromise on looks because the guy earns more or is from an ivy league.

Take a paper and write down the qualities what you want from the guy. Say looks, salary, education, attitude etc.

From the profiles you get or you see in matrimony websites , how many of them come under your filter.

Check in those profiles, how many want you as their partner.

Finally you will have the group of profiles who matches your criteria and whose you match.

This doesnt guarantee a happy marriage or this doesnt guarantee marriage at all.

People appear very different than what they have projected in the profile or how people project them.

Now after all those stages , how will u select the guy?

No common interests alone cannot guarantee a happy married life. Definitely it helps to gel initially but thats about it.

So the weightage for common interests shouldnt be maximum.

You should see if you both are individuals having similar viewpoints regarding many stuff.

Check if u both feel marriage is forever or if you both think lets try, if it doesnt work out there’s always somebody else kinds. Nothing is right/wrong. Chk whatever the option is. You both feel the same.

First dont be judgemental. Each individual is different. And you will see a complete different individual post marriage. Be practical and realistic that people are different and people change both for good and bad.

Check how materialistic are you both and if it matches. If one person is very materialistic n one is simple, day today life will be hell for both. Needs and wants wont match for both leading to arguments on a daily basis.

Check if you are an ambitious person and if he is the same. Or if you are a laid back person and if he is the same. However, there might be lotta ppl who will say if one is laid back and other person wil motivate the other person to do more in life. But after 10 years of marriage when a laid back person is happy with wherever he/she is and the other person pushes or becomes aggressive, it leads to a lot of serious problems. You know, there are lotta divorces these days because ladies are more aggressive and when at a point of time guys want to relax, girls expect them to continue to be ambitious and divorce them on the same if they continue to be laid back. So that match is very important.

See if you are a career oriented person and how you wish to be post marriage. Make sure that person and his parents are ok with you continuing job/career after marriage. Else no point in blaming the guys/in laws if you marry him knowing the truth and think you can change them.

If you are a person who is family oriented, make sure you are clear to them that you dont have plans of a serious career and might want to take care of family. If the guy is very particular about wife to be working post marriage and you want to be a homemaker or take up a light job which is paying peanuts, the guy might get frustrated and might not treat you well in the long run.

So no lies or i can convince them later kind of attitude when it comes to working post marriage just because other details are good.

Check if you are ready to stay with in laws. If you are, do share it and if you are not, share it in the first meet.

Please dont marry guys giving a wrong impression and later move out of the house alone because you dont like to stay with in laws.

If you tell you dont like to stay, it is ok, let people think anything about you but dont lie. It is not good for both the parties.

Beyond all this you, if both of you feel you are good to go, then congrats, you will have a peaceful marriage .

Be flexible. Be clear of your priorities in life.

Make sure both your priorities match in the same order. If it is money , job , career , family, it should be the same for both. If it is family, job, money… it should be same for both.

You might come across heartless people, rude people, arrogant people. You will be one of the many choices, there might be one thing better in another girl, they will reject you for that after talking for 3 months. Nobody will feel for it.

So understand talking for 1 month or 3 months cannot guarantee the same behaviour post marriage. Be realistic. Dont take too much time to decide.

Do match if the upbringing and status and exposure is the same in an arranged marriage. This has a great impact in the marriage.

Once you start choosing based on above and start looking, you will understamd reality and you will know which attribute is more important.

Be positive. There might be lotta negative stories about arranged marriages. Many people fail to tell you unimaginable horror stories about love marriages too. There is good and bad in the world. Just that people are bad and it has nothing to do with the type of marriage.

Be alert, be realistic, be practical, dont lie, do a thorough background check. Trust in god.

She gave me a blank look. And told me this baashan really helped her.  We had to get up and leave for lunch .

I really dint know whether it will help her , but i really want to share these from my experience around me because of the unrealistic expectations people seem to have out of a normal marriage.

Hurrying to get married fearing the society .. choosing the partner based on unrealistic .. impractical stuff.... not really thinking about how to save the relationship... has really increased in my generation. 

I hope people are very practical while choosing partners and lead a stress free peaceful married life without fear.. being ready for adjustments and compromises with very less expectations.